the uphill battle.

It's been a while since I blogged -- I've been learning a lot and thought it would be good to write it all out as that allows me to process. Warning: I'm about to get real vulnerable. I just need to.

1. God is sovereign.

Today, as I was replaying scenes that have actually occurred in my life over and over again I found myself thinking, "what if I did that wrong?" or "what if I could have done that differently?". And I stopped myself and realized that nothing, absolutely nothing I do can ever "mess up" God's plan for my life. Plus, there's no point in even going to the "what ifs". Whatever IT is is over and done with. There's no taking it back. As much as I wish I could take lots of things back, I can't. But within that I am learning so many things. And I'm growing. A lot. I haaate the unknowns, the confusion, the frustration.. but I know God is so much bigger and He's got my life in His hands. I may screw up, but God is so much bigger than my screw ups. If I did something wrong and somehow messed up God's plan for my life, that would NOT show God's sovereignty. He's King of KINGS. He's completely in control. Yes, I have the freedom to make my own choices but overall, He's holding onto the reigns of the horse. (And guiding the feet of the horse, for that matter.) I am finding so much peace in these truths.

2. God is faithful and all His promises are true.

God will never leave us nor forsake us. We will experience many trials in life, (shoot, I already have) but God will continue to be sovereign. And in the end, it will be worth it. SO worth it. Trust me, it doesn't feel like it will be right now. But I have to believe it will be. I just have to.

3. CHOOSING to believe rather than doubt.

Guys, it is so easy to sink into depression and wallowing. So easy. I have to try SO hard to get out of it. To fight off the negative thoughts. To lay down my pride and CHOOSE JOY! To believe rather than doubt. To believe it'll all be okay it is okay. To believe God's in control. To believe choosing joy is worth it. Etc. It's so hard. But the Lord is strengthening me more and more every day to literally pull myself out of the 15 ft hole and into HIS freedom. Everyday this week He has given me just enough strength to inch my way out. I have to choose to accept more strength. And guys, it is such a pride thing for me. It's ridiculous but true.

4. I am worthy and worth it.

I find myself not feeling worth it. A lot. And I don't know why. I'm working on getting to the bottom of that. I'm digging through past experiences in my life that may have given me that feeling. It's definitely Satan, but I wanna find out if there's something that happened that triggered it. Anyways, I know that the King of the UNIVERSE made me. He created me. With a purpose. He created me so unique and so special. Lord, would you help me to believe that? Truly believe it?

5. God's walking alongside me always.

I'm hurting. I'm experiencing some heartache. But I know that God is walking alongside me every step of the way. He's fighting for me! He's saying, "KATHRYN, YOU CAN DO THIS!" "KATHRYN, I'M HERE, RIGHT HERE!" "KATHRYN, I AM FOR YOU!" He's rooting me on like the happiest, most cheerful soccer mom! Yeaaah, thanks God!

If you're reading this, would you be praying for me in these areas? I would greatly appreciate it.

Everything is fine, no need to worry. I'm just learning alot about the Lord and His purpose for me. (For all His children.) And it's a painful process, but it's making me stronger. (It always has.)

All Glory to God.