death isn't fair.

I am struggling.
I'm struggling cause death isn't fair. That sounds like the babiest thing to say but it just isn't.
Just within the past 2 weeks, I've heard of two people dying.. one I knew, the other was a friend of friends.

It really hurts. Cause I relive Heather's death. I ache from her loss. And every time it "reappears" I don't know what else to do other than push it away.
How do you deal with the problem of death?
How do you "move past that"?
(You just can't.)
So my instinct is to quickly push it away. Push the thoughts and feelings away.
I don't like sitting in them cause it hurts too bad.

And here I am. Hearing about the deaths of two loved ones.
Two men of God who were brothers, nephews, sons, cousins and friends.

WHY? I know the Lord is good. I've never questioned that. But it's so hard.
The only death I've ever experienced is sudden death. (First my uncle, then my sister and now these two beloved brothers in Christ.)
It's so heart wrenching (and ripping).
It's bitter and cold.
It's the worst.
How do you deal with it?
How do you manage?
(Almost three years later and I'm still asking these questions.)

It hurts thinking about the family and friends of these two men cause I know how it feels.
And I hurt for them.
But I don't know what to do. Or say. I'm speechless. Words can't fix the feelings. I know that. So I'm just left speechless. (I don't know whether that's a bad thing or not..)
And the feelings are aroused. Again. (and) Again.
Because death is inevitable.

But in the midst of lot of suffering, I find peace. Because the Lord is with us. He weeps when we weep. He hurts when we hurt. All the while He says, "come to Me. come. to. Me. & I will give you rest!" He truly understands. He doesn't like that we feel pain. But He calls His children home. And He says, "Trust Me. Trust Me, Kathryn. Trust Me, daughter."
Help me to trust you, Jesus.

So as I learn to manage the pain, I grow closer to Him.
Even though I'm slightly angry with Him. (Thank God He can take it.)
My only true comfort and rest is in Him.

Friends, as you question how to manage, how to deal with suffering, as hard as it is, I encourage you to fall in His arms and weep. (Scream and tell Him how you feel if you need to.) Just know, He cares, He listens, He understands, and He loves you.

Oh what a perfect Father we have.