believe rather than doubt.

Well, it's pretty obvious I've been hurting, struggling, and questioning God. (Not questioning His existence, just screaming "WHY?!")

The Lord is sovereign and the Lord is good. There's no question about that.
But why do we experience pain? He doesn't enjoy seeing us in pain. But it's reality. It's the reality of sin. But thank the Lord that He died on the cross for all our sins. Or pain and suffering may have turned out a lot different. But I still have questions. What am I supposed to do now? I can't stand the pain. It's way. too. much. I don't know how to move past the pain. I don't know how to make it go away. (Will it ever?) How do I get to the bottom of this? (Or is that possible?)

I feel like I need to ask myself a few questions to help uncover the root of the pain.
But I don't have those questions quite yet.

I don't hurt as much as I have this week all the time. It's always something specific that triggers the pain and tears. Today it's the fact that other people have to experience pain. I know how much it sucks and I don't want anyone to ever have to experience that. But they do. We do. I empathize with my friends that are having to experience the pain of death and I hurt because I relive Heather's death.

I have 3 finals left and today has been the most unproductive day for how much I have left to do.
But I think I needed to just sit. Sit in the pain and figure out what needs to happen next. I haven't come to any conclusion except for the fact that I don't know how to deal with the pain. The death of my sister. The death of my best friend. I miss her. I hate that we aren't together during some of the most vital and exciting. I hate that her life ended so soon. But who am I kidding? She's in HEAVEN! She is literally not missing one single thing. Praise the Lord that she is in the best place she could be. I just hate that I'm not there with her.

So after getting absolutely nothing done, I discovered that one of my favorite bands, Switchfoot, had a documentary come out today. It's one I've been dying to see. After waiting hours and hours for it to download, I finally got to see it. I stopped when I heard Jon Foreman say this:

"When things go wrong you ask yourself, 'how can there be a good God?' I think the conclusion that I come to is that both faith and doubt are equally logical choices in the face of tragedy. Faith is to say, 'Yes, a future will have pain' but there's a meaning and a purpose deeper than that pain. For me, that is my choice, to believe rather than doubt."

Wow, thank you, Jon. You summed it up so very nicely.

Guys, Switchfoot is one of the most authentic and beautiful bands out there. I so appreciate them and what they do. And this film, it's so honest. It's real life.

So as I continue to deal and cope with the pain, I remind myself that my comfort and help comes from the Lord. I'll be honest, I'm not finding a whole lot of comfort right now. But at least I know the truth. I know where to run. I just can't run quite yet. I'm only limping. Easing my way to the Lord. Unintentionally sitting in the pain cause I'm too weak to get up.