letter to my heada!

I have never shared this before, but I wanted to post it to my blog. 

This is my letter I wrote to Heather that went into her casket with her. 

So many memories piled into just one letter. 

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Miss you, sweet sister. These are the times that are hardest.

Love you! 

To: Heather Marie Lee.

July 17, 1992 – January 16, 2011

From your sister, Kathryn Grace Lee aka Kat aka Kat-a-lac

Written on: January 19, 2011

Ohhh headabob,

On January 16, 2011 between 12:07 and 12:15 (time is still kind of unknown) you went to be with Jesus.

The night before I had been up late writing a blogpost – I was trying to perfect it and add all these switchfoot pictures. It took me way. too. long. You would’ve been so mad at me for spending all that time on the computer. Haha. Anyways, I went to bed at 1AM. And before I went to bed I checked the 2 front door locks and the side door lock. All three were locked and dad normally leaves the top lock (the bolt) unlocked if you (or anyone else) wasn’t home yet. So when I saw that all three locks were locked I went to bed. At 2:53AM I woke up to the ring of our doorbell. (At this point I was living in the basement cause I decided to move home from school for at least a semester.. I had no idea why God wanted me to stay home but I did. Thank God I listened. Anyways, since I was in the basement I heard the doorbell so loudly because it was right beside my room.) My first thought was, “Say whaaaaat? That door bell did NOT just ring.” I thought it was a drunk person or some stranger. I had no idea. I was contemplating whether I should go get dad to answer the door or just go get it. So I looked out the side window and saw that it was Mike Reebals and another officer. I didn’t think anything of it at first. I just was like, “oh hey, it’s Mike Reebals, lemme let him inside real quick. It’s cold outside.” I think I was maybe half asleep cause I thought nothing about the fact that it was almost 3 AM and there were two POLICE OFFICERS at my front door. Mike asked, “Is your mom home?” I said no cause she had been in TN for the ICC Ignite Conference with Rebecca. Then he asked if dad was home and told me to go get him. I went into dad’s room and said, “dad there’s two police officers in our house.. they need to talk to you.” Dad JUMPED outta bed and said, “WHAT?!” I told him again and he rushed to get his pants. He ran out of his room with his pants in his hands, but not on him yet. (So typical of dad. It makes me laugh thinking about it now.) But after dad starting freaking out.. that’s when I started freaking out. I realized that something really was wrong. And my mind starting going in all the worst possible places. I went downstairs because I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to hear what was going on until dad was ready to say something. Mike said, “Alan, I need to talk to you alone.” When all that happened I went to my room and instantly fell to my knees and started praying. I just asked God to give the family understanding. And to constantly trust in Him. I don’t really know what else I said. Haha then I got up and my first thought was that mom had died. I thought that because she was the one out of town and I thought that you were in your room (because all the doors were locked).  OMG, my stomach hasn’t hurt as bad as it did, I don’t think ever. Maybe like once or twice in my life. My mouth was SO dry. I was pacing back and forth. I went out to the stairs to try and listen to the conversation (haha, I’m sure you taught me that kinda naughty courage) and I put my foot up on the stairs then put it back down, up then down. I couldn’t decide if i should go upstairs or not. Then I decided to go cause there was no more waiting for me. I was sure I was going to throw up. And you know how I am about throwing up. Hate. It. Haha. Well I went up and told dad I had to know what was going on because I was going to throw up. He said, “Kathryn, Heather’s dead!” OMG I FREAKED OUT! I sat down on the red couch in the living room and rocked back and forth.  I was shaking so much, I was FREEZING cold and I needed water so bad. Mike just sat there and held me. It hurt so bad, the thought of knowing you weren’t here anymore. My gosh. I need you so bad in my life. My life will never be the same. They said you had decided to drive to Texas to see Owen aka Oins. Meaning that Saturday after you got off of work, made your burned pizza (lol) and picked up Amy from work you left (which had to of been around 4:45). About an hour later I had to call becca (about 4 o’clock). (Giiiiiirl, why you makin me have to call our best friend/sister!) I went into mom and dad’s closet to call Becca. I called four times before she answered. She answered with a “hello..?” (You know how she texts. Hahahah.) I said, “Becca, did you know heather went to texas to see Owen?” She responded with a yes and then I said, “Becca, she’s dead!” She burst into tears. It was the worst feeling ever.. to have to tell her. Maaaaan. Then Momma and Pappa Relfe brought her over to the house and they stayed the whole time! They were so sweet! Becca and I just cried with each other. Even Momma and Pappa Relfe were cryin. (Breakin all our hearts.) Aunt Grace and Mrs. Jeri came over. Nana and Grandaddy. Lots of people. Adam came home from Montana (he was at YWAM). Gail and Chris came home from New York. Everyone is making their way here. To see you! You are so loved. And it’s cause of your loving heart. You have an ability to make friends like no one I’ve ever met. (Confession: I’ve always been so jealous of you!) You have SO many friends. You get ALL the boys. You love people even if you hardly know them you just like to hang out. Got off track a little – so after I found out that morning I had to figure out who to tell. Who it would be awkward to just tell. Haha (you’d be like, “giiiiirl just tell em anyway. It aint awkward.”) It was so tough. Dad and I had to figure out how to tell Mom and Rebecca since they were both in TN. They had to drive home the next morning and it was 3AM. There was no way mom or Rebecca could have driven. So Grandadddy and Grace went to go get them. On Sunday we had about 100 people at our house throughout the day. (Heather, you were so popular. I love it.) I’m so glad we had people at the house. I NEEDED people. I still do. I’m going to need people for the next 3-4 months probably. Cause I’m so scared of what might happen.. like if I do something bad to myself. Gosh, I’m so scared. This pain is gonna get worse then better then worse then better. Like a freakin roller coaster. Someone told me the other day, “when you’re on that roller coaster, make sure you have your hands up in the air!” (Hunny, my hands are UP!) I trust in God, I know He has a plan. I know He has you up there living THE LIFE! You aren’t hurting anymore. You are with JESUS. You aren’t in pain. You are searching. You died tryin.. just like you wanted. About a week and a half ago you put up on your facebook that you wanted to be a waitress in the sky. Well hunny child, you are now. A waitress for JESUS! HOW COOL?!

Man oh man, you’re with JESUS, sitting with Jesus, holding his hand, dancing with him, loving on him, talking with him. INSANE. I cannot even believe it.

I love you so much. You are my sister and my best friend. Life without you will never be the same. I keep thinking about the time you got off the airplane when we adopted you and you went STRAIGHT to Rebecca’s arms. I was so jealous. Haha. Cause I was so excited that I was gonna have a sister my age. I mean, come on, we were both 6 years old. I was sure you were gonna be my best friend and that I was going to be your favorite. Lol. Didn’t necessarily happen that way at first, but that’s okay. We still turned out to be pretty great friends and im so glad! You finally started to like me but ever since that day you never stopped LOVING to piss me off. Haha. You’d pinch my butt, say stuff that you knew would push my button and then start laughing afterwards. THEN after getting mad or frustrated you’d give that smile you always gave and say, “You get soo mad!” Then I knew you were kidding. I wish I could have those times back.

We balanced each other out so well. Like you were the crazy, on the edge, fun one and I’m the responsible, listen to the parents one. Heather, you made me such a better person. You contributed SO much to the person I am today and I’m SO incredibly thankful for that. SO, SO thankful. I do things that are a little dangerous like going up to the mountain top at Highland lakes in the middle of the night where’s it’s very obvious that no one goes there often. While we’re hiking up there you say, “sometimes there’s a police officer just sittin up here, so be careful.” Oh that’s comforting. Haha. And then getting out of the car to dance on 41. There are so many memories! I don’t even know where to start. “member that one time I had lunch instead of brea-fast and I barwfed!” Hahaha. Remember when, Remember that time.. so much to say. I don’t think I could possibly forget any stories but I know im going to write down as many stories as I can when I can. I’m freaking out that I’ll forget stuff. Heather, I had to watch the marshmallow video so that I’d remember your laugh. How did I even forget?! My brain is so everywhere. I’ve had to make so many decisions. Say my opinion about so many issues. Tell about who you were and what you liked most. It’s so hard! There have been so many times since Sunday where I wanted to come talk to you or tell you something. Then burst out in tears when I remembered.. you’re gone.. with Jesus. It’s crazy.

I love how we did everything together. And how you listened to me talk so many times and kept wanting to hear me preach. Haha. I don’t know how you did it.

I’m sorry I was judgmental and jealous. I kind of feel like that hurt you some. Like it just didn’t help. I know you loved me and I know you cared. You always told me, “I love my sister.” I have that coffee cup you made me from Painted-By-U for my bday. And that sign made out of tile and beads with my name on it. I will cherish everything that has to do with you. Always.

It’s going to suck when I remember every day, all day that I can’t hang out with you anymore. We went to Ross, Kohl’s and Rack Room Shoes today and you weren’t there. It was SO weird. Shopping will never be the same! NEVER! I’m going to miss all the stuff we ever did. Becca was saying the other day, “Kat, no matter what I do I’ll think about her. I can’t get into the car without thinking about her, drink my drink, listen to music, go to sleep, nothing because all we ever did was TOGETHER!” It’s so hard. So so hard.

Heather,

You were a beautiful woman of God and now WITH God. You were loving, kind, sweet and so fun! I had so many ambitions for you. I always talked to mom asking when your turn around would be. Cause I just wanted great stuff for you. A great husband, great friends, great clothes, great experiences, great struggles. Great things. You definitely had some.. a lot.. but there was so much I wanted you to realize and have. But hey, now you have it. I also told mom just a couple days before you died that I just wanted all this worry and stress about where you were and what you were doing and if I told on you who would be mad to go away. It went away but I wish it didn’t have to happen this way.

TEXAS heather, really?! You are sooo crazy! On the voicemail you sent Marisa you sounded so determined, so happy, so free! And I know you were feeling it.

Today, we went shopping to get dresses for your party that you happen to not be able to attend.. sad? Yes. Well, lemme tell you IT’S HOT! And I got hott shoes. Just for you. I can’t believe I’ll never have your opinion again. That just sucks.

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO ITALY WITH ME!! 

Well there will always be so much more to say but for now, I think this is all.

I love you from the bottom of my heart and I wonder what my life would be without you. Nothing like it is now, that’s for sure. I’m so thankful that you were my sister. I’m so thankful for you. I’m so thankful God created you. I know you wanted to be with your biological family.. and I don’t even blame you.. but I’m glad you were with me. : )

These nights are getting harder and harder and they will be AWFUL. I need you so bad but you’re in a better place now!

I love you. I love you. I love you. Always.

Leave a spot up in heaven for me RIGHT NEXT TO YOU! I don’t wanna be anywhere else but in between you and Jesus. <3 nbsp="" p="">