my sister. my best friend. headabob.

I haven't blogged about her in a while but I think it's just time. As most of you know, my mom started writing a blog about Heather's life.. dialogue between Heather and mom. Mom has been working on writing this since Heather's death but I've never been able to read it. It's just been really hard for me to re-live that. I don't want to do it at all. It hurts all too much. For mom, it's been good for her. It's been exactly what she needs, but me.. not so much. The feeling sucks (excuse my choice of words). Pause real quick for a little explanation: So mom suggested that I try a different method for coping/working through the grief. Whether it be through writing my own stuff, reading, through music.. whatever it may be. So this is my first attempt. Writing my own feelings. And now you can continue: : ) Re-living any of it is too much. The feeling I had when I heard the door bell. The feeling I had when I found out Mike was at our door in a uniform I'm not used to seeing him in. The feeling I had when I thought my mom was hurt. The feeling I had when Mike told me I needed to go downstairs so he could talk to my dad. The feeling I had when dad told me Heather (my best friend and sister) had been killed. The feelings, multiply mixed emotions I had. I hate it! It's too much. It hurts too much! I love(d) Heather so stinkin much! So, so much! But all too often I feel bad for being too hard on her. I feel bad for accidentally figuring out her secret of Owen driving to Texas. I know I shouldn't beat myself up and for the most part I'm not.. but I don't want to make the same mistakes of being too hard with my other siblings. The other day Amy and I took Ty out for his birthday. We were just catching up with him asking him how's he doing. There was a point that he was angry with God. I just wanted to see how he was doing. I asked him more specifically if he had a relationship with God or if he thought of Him as a dad/father. Ty's response: "I don't think of God as a Father but I like Him and everything." And then we got on the subject of me and Amy and our relationship with God and he said that we are "super-Christians".. whatever that means. lol. Well, I told him I didn't like being under the stereo-type of "super-Christian" but that's okay. He says we have an "all-out" love for Him. And in my defense, I say, "well when you love Him that much you can't help but express that love." Then I asked him if we were the only people in his life that are "super-Christian". At first he said yes then he changed his mind and said everyone he knows at SVCC are also "super-Christians". If that's the title I get for what He sees in my love for Christ.. fine. I'll take it. Hopefully everyone else will take it in the same positive way. I just hope that I'm able to make a positive impact on Ty and that he'll see that even though I may be "super-Christian" he can still talk to me. He can still come to me for advice. He can still TRY and talk to me about the things I may not fully understand. That's what happened with Heather. I wasn't able to understand her problems on the same level she did because I had never experienced them myself. I wish I could. I wish I could talk to her and give her advice from the standpoint of feeling exactly what she felt. But I can't. I just pray that God helps me to be approachable. That God would help me to be someone that Ty (or anyone for that matter) feels like he can talk to about anything! I have always grown up with girls in the house and not until about 5 years ago did we start welcoming boys into our home. So I'm not a pro at this but I'm realizing that this is just part of being a 13/14 year old boy. He's moody. I love him to death but.. He's moody! Haha. I pray we can get closer over the years whether he thinks I'm super christian or not. Anyways, it's rare that I'm able to go back to the reality of Heather's death cause I just don't like it at all. I hate reading about it. I've tried reading my mom's stuff over and over again but it never goes over well. It's like if I can avoid all the details I'm good. I've realized that I can talk about it and that's the best thing for me. I guess cause when I'm talking about it, I choose what to bring up but when I'm reading my mom's and Heather's journals.. I can't decide what I read or don't read (I mean I can, but I think you get the picture). Talking about Heather and whatever is on my mind about her at the time is what's best for me. Most of my friends don't talk about it anymore cause it's been so long. And maybe it's that they don't feel comfortable bringing it up. Maybe it's not the first/second/third thing on their minds each day.. which is totally understandable and okay. But for me, it's basically constantly on my mind. I've just realized that maybe I need to tell my friends and family that it's best for me to talk about it aloud.. or as close to aloud as I can get. Maybe I just need to simply inform them. I don't want it to sound like I'm trying to get attention or very needy. It's just I've realized that the best way for me to try and find an end to all this (if that's even possible) is to talk about it. I feel stupid trying to arouse a conversation and get people to talk WITH me about her. Cause I don't want to sound like I'm trying to get attention. So I'm going to stop rambling now.. long story short. I think it's best for me to talk aloud about her and I think it'll help to get advice and encouragement about how I feel. Cause questions "why did this have to happen" and "could i have done something different" and "how do i be an even better sister to my other siblings" are still very fresh on my mind. I'd like to think that I know there was nothing else I could have done but I don't. I truly don't. I think that's enough for now. I love all my friends and family so much and I just want to learn how to be a better person. How to be a better person to my friends, family, acquaintances, co-workers, etc. There's always, always work to be done, if you will. Love, Kathryn